I don't like walks when I feel numb. But that would mean that I'd have to stand still, sit quietly or lie down...can't do it I'm too restless. Its not so much the eagerness to move, but more so the need to be on the move. 'If u can't catch up, the world will leave you behind' is what they all say...Fuck them. They can go on and compete.But I'm still on the move, know why? because I hate to be stagnant... I hate to just stay and be. No its not good enough for me....but then I ask myself 'what is good enough for me' ? Why are there questions to which answers, that can never be found..whats the point? Its like dangling a fish over a cat.'Jump all you want kitty, u ain't gonna get there.. Not this one ..You can't have it and if u really want fish then ur gna have to jump into the pond and hunt ur own. 'Oh wait you won't do that, You hate water'......
Bathing urself with saliva is acceptable in the feline world , but we need the water.. we need the fish. So without questions asked we sink into the normality that is our life and dive into the blue. Hoping we could take pictures with our catch for the day...
Everybody's fishing for something.. actual fish , love, happiness, gain, prosperity, family, revenge, compliments, help.
There are times when I'm mildly stagnant, when I just sit and stare at the walls that surround me.. taking in the silence around me. I hate it. I can however sit in the darkness..waiting for the sunrise...I can sit all night and I might even be at peace...But as soon as I see the sun..I'm hustling and bustling..what gives?... is it a beacon..?
An alarm of sorts?
Then I run through the day ...faster than most others...and then the night comes again.
And I sit..again.
Everything slows down...Anxiety, the enemy kicks in
Portals open doorways to doubts and Uncertainty.
The voices I've heard throughout the day, play in my head conspiring to form the script of my dreams for that night. And I don't even know it.
Sub-consciousness leaves little to control..Involuntary thoughts result in unplanned actions.
I give in and consume the day, the happenings, the surroundings.
Then there are those rare occasions where I manage a burst of positivity and my dreams don't seem like a mirage...
I pour faith in myself and trust in my strength and my eagerness and stubbornness helps
And I smile and hope that tomorrows sunrise won't let me down...
You see its important that my catch for the day is a big one..cause later that evening...
I face the night.
